A PITY party, that is. Not sure that any of you will want to come. It's not very fun.
BUT, that's how I'm feeling today. A pity party for one, please.
Yesterday was a typical "chemo Saturday", very sick, tired, cranky. Today is better,but definitely not 100% better. Still feeling yucky, plus the Neulasta is giving me a headache.
I am longing to feel "normal", something I don't think I'll ever feel again. I'll never be completely comfortable w/ my body and what's going on inside that I don't know about. It's that whole living w/ fear thing rearing it's ugly head again. I hate it.
I look at pictures of myself before any of this happened....my wedding pictures, pictures of my kids' births, vacations past, etc. And I think....I want to be HER again. I want to be that smiling girl w/ no real cares. The one who doesn't have cancer, who isn't having chemo, who doesn't have to be sick, who doesn't have to live in fear.
And I'm really sad because I know i will never be her again. I miss her and will continue to miss her.
See.....this party is no fun at all.
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Oh my - this made me cry ( I unintentionally made a rhyme). And now I'm being Steve, from "Blues Clues" singing, "You made a rhyme".
ReplyDeleteThat's a good thing, because it makes me laugh.
And even though your party SUCKS, I'll come to it anytime. " You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running ..." Hang in there. We're all rootin' for ya.
Dammit, J! YOUR post made me cry! I'll come to the party, too, Sarah. Where's my freakin magic wand when I need it? Nowhere to be found, otherwise I would wave it around and say, "Ala-peanut-butter-sandwiches!" and erase all of this cancer crap and the fear that goes along with it.
ReplyDeleteAnd, though it's so very ok to miss that smiling girl, I love the one who took her place, and know that she will smile again and learn to stuff the fear dragon in his dungeon where he belongs.
But, for now, I'll just hang with you and play with the scorched party favors. Damn fear dragon.
First of all, I'd come to ANY party you have...PITY party or not...as long as there is food! :)
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad knowing how you are feeling and that I can't emphathize with you b/c I don't know "exactly" how you are feeling. I can only listen...and pray.
Obviously, no one can not change the past..but we can change the future. And I'm confident that the Sarah we all know and love is still in there...maybe in hibernation for awhile...but the sun will shine again.