I have this friend....but I've never actually met her. I was "introduced" to her by my old high school vice principal. He is her husbands uncle. Anyway, she is my age and battled colon cancer a couple of years ago. He thought she would be a good sounding board for me...someone who could really get where I was coming from and sympathize and understand. He was right. Not to mention the fact that she is a nurse who works in a cancer center....so she really knows her stuff!
(and she reads this blog from time to time....hi J!)
Anyway, she e-mailed me today just to say hi, see how I'm doin, etc. She mentioned that she was working w/ a woman in her 30's who has metastatic colon cancer to her liver. IE, her cancer has spread to her liver. My stomach dropped after I read that sentence. I immediately started to cry. The thoughts start swirling in my head. The dread of the cancer finding a new home in a different part of my body. The absolute fear of dying young and leaving my kids behind. I can't even type that sentence w/out crying.
I have been doing an okay job of keeping these thoughts at bay. I can keep myself pretty occupied during the days, but I will admit that I do end up crying myself to sleep a lot of nights....mostly b/c that's when I pray and I start to think. Thinking definitely gets me into trouble. There are so many 'what ifs'. So many unknowns.
You know what's going through my mind right now? This:
I HATE THIS!!! HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!!!
My mind is screaming.
Where's the on/off switch to my brain? Turn it off already....
I don't know how my friend does it. She works w/ cancer patients every day. I don't know how I could do that and not be constantly thinking that could happen to me. I'd be a basket case. Heck, I am already.
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It makes me sad reading about this...so maybe we just have to wear you out like today...cuz' I know you were probably out cold immediately tonight after all the swimming! :) Seriously, remember the cancer thing is still fresh and new for you...one by one the years are going to pass by, the boys are going to grow up and you are going to remain cancer-free to enjoy every minute of it! And never stop praying....
ReplyDeleteI hate this, too.
ReplyDeleteHave you asked J how she works where she works and does not go crazy or just cry a lot?